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I love a good belly laugh and I have a sizable belly, so it can be a sight to behold.
I have little tolerance for political correctness; however I am frequently pressured by my lovely wife not to say what I really think, but to wrap my thoughts in a more diplomatic form, so that every bridge is not burnt.
To say that I can be scathingly sarcastic at times is probably a fair call, sarcasm is often referred to as the lowest form of wit, I just happen to love it and I am reasonable good at it.
When it comes to footy, I hate Australians. To say that I am a passionate one eyed Cantabrian is an understatement.
But you just gotta love our Aussie cousin’s sense of humour and their more relaxed attitude about saying the right thing all the time. When someone needs to be told, it usually happens fairly quickly and very often with blindingly brilliant one liners.
This column has been a little bit dry lately through necessity, mainly due to the subject matter we have been discussing and I thought you could all use a damn good belly laugh. I found this next bit recently on an Aussie tourism website and thought you lot might enjoy it as much as I did. The questions were posted and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a very good sense of humour.
Q. Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A. Depends on how much you’ve been drinking.
Q. I want to walk from Perth to Sydney – can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A. Sure, its only three thousand miles, take lots of water.
Q. Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A. So it’s true what they say about you Swedes.
Q. Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A. What did your last slave die of?
Q. Can you give me some information about Hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A. A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-li-a is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not……..oh forget it. Sure the hippo racing is every Thursday night in Kings Cross.
Q. Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A. Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we’ll send you the rest of the directions.
Q Can you send me the Vienna Boys’ Choir Schedule? (USA)
A. Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y which is ….Oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys’ Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races.
Q. Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A. No, we are a peaceful civilisation of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.
Q. Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A. Rattlesnakes live in A-mer-i-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled, and make great pets.
Q. Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A. Yes, gay nightclubs.
Q Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A. Only at Christmas.
Q. Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A. Yes. But you’ll have to learn it first.
Now, to my point, there isn’t one. This is just six hundred words designed to put a smile on your face.
And, to the totally incompetent young lady working in the Government Department that inspired this diatribe, you will never know how close you came to feeling the full force of my sarcastic side, you were only saved from it by the unspoken look my lovely wife gave me as I drew breath to deliver it. Thank your lucky stars.
But then, that is “just an old trucker’s point of view.”
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